Corona

AND HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND? Of Champions League Finals and Ok Waakye

~ Cunning Linguist

So, those who know me know I like all things hot – be it a woman or waakye (I know, I know, in these days of wokeness, I probably shouldn’t be saying this)

For a Champions League Final weekend, it was pretty slow.

I am quickly noticing that many people do not wear facemasks anymore.

A young man who came over this weekend to do some odd jobs for me sans mask – told me decisively and with the authority of an ignoramus who has never had to be under oxygen or knows anyone who has, that “Covid-19 did not exist anymore”. Mask wearing doesn’t seem to be a requirement for boarding trotros anymore apparently. Everything seems to be back to normal as my experience over the weekend showed me.

I spent the whole football season, watching the fortnightly Tuesday and Wednesday games at establishments close to my office. On rare weekends I occasionally found my way to a friend’s house and watched some EPL matches if I was not attending my numerous weekend functions.

This weekend, I found myself wondering if it was worth checking out the Champions League final between Chelsea and Manchester City, knowing full well how dull it most likely would be. I decided, against my better judgement, to go see for myself at a local football pub in my area.

As is my nature, I did not get there before the match started. Strolling casually instead into the place, well into the match, like I owned the joint, only to find what looked like all able bodied males between sixteen and sixty from my neighbourhood there.

The unmistaken cost of Five Ghana Cedis to watch the FINALS was emblazoned on a board. The owner’s younger brother, a scrawny kid with a disproportionately large stomach doubled as a bouncer. I slipped him a twenty and entered the small shack that doubled as a covid-19 super spreader. The place was so packed I had to grind my way between people to move to the rickety table that served as a bar. I ordered a cold club, politely refusing the dirty plastic cup offered to me by the bar lady and chugged from the bottle – hopefully extending my life by year by that decision.   I found myself standing between a guy with a blue wife beater and another guy who was obviously a Manchester City fan, judging from his never-ending commentary and stream of expletives whenever the team missed what he deemed to be a chance to get ahead. The owner seemed to know me, but I had no recollection of us having met. He yanked a small looking kid, barely sixteen years off his seat for me, telling the kid that if he wanted to remain seated he should buy drinks. I must exude some air of importance, because I have no idea why he did that. I waved the kid to sit back down. With the odor of armpits and unchanged boxers permeating the space, I had no intention of being there long.

Havertz scored for Chelsea before the break and I slipped away from the noxious fumes shortly after.

I promised myself to renew my DSTV subscription to be able to watch the finals next time.  In the meantime, I called a friend I had beef with and humbly asked to use his DSTV account – yes I can be shameless like that – and downloaded the DSTV Now App. Turned out the rest of the match was a dud with the only goal being Havertz’s goal. Was it worth mending that fence for this match? In hindsight perhaps not.

Although Chelsea, my favored EPL team lifted the cup after 9 years…that certainly made my weekend.

Oh, yes and then on Sunday I had my first taste of that famous waakye at Spintex Community 18 that everybody had been raving about – yes, I have been under a rock. I am always skeptical about over hyped waakye. I do not claim to be an expert on the dish. But seriously how good can waakye really be right? Well, this Alhaji’s waakye was aight. Will I go out of my way to drive there or even order it to have it delivered to me, um no. If I happen to be in the area and feel for waakye I might get it. Please do not tear me apart for this. I have heard so much about this waakye, but it was just ok…It wasn’t horrible. I really do not expect much from overhyped places or football teams for that matter.

And how was your weekend?

AND HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND? The 2nd Dose is Sweeter than the First

~ Cunning Linguist

Why do Ghanaians like queues like this?

I woke up with a start on Friday, had one of those ablution type baths, rushed into the car, holding a piece of a week old bread and an expired Yomi yogurt. I had received a cryptic message from VaccineUpp a couple of days earlier that read –  “A second dose of coronavirus vaccine is available for you. Come with your vaccination card to Achimota Hospital on 2021-05-21” .

I won’t be joining the army of the walking dead…yay!

I got to the Achimota Hospital at 6.30am only to realize, everyone had the same idea and I was about the twentieth in line to a fast growing queue. As usual people would come up and ask who the last person was, move to the person and indicate they were after them. I quickly made a note to myself, that I was after the old lady with the red scarf. 

We waited patiently till half past 8, when a guy who looked like he had survived covid-19 a few times came over to check cards, using his phone to make sure that our names were indeed in the database. A nurse with a high-pitched voice reminded people who had not eaten to do so.

Damn!

I remembered the questionable bread and expired yoghurt. I rushed to the car wolfed down my horrible victuals and got back to the line. I could not locate the old woman with the red scarf or the guy with the blue oversized shirt…My place in the line was now uncertain. As the line became more orderly, I gave up my chair occasionally to a few of the Septuagenarians and Octogenarians that kept showing up as the line moved ever so slowly along…thanks to the idiot savant checking names on his phone!  An older looking man sidled up just as I made myself comfortable on a plastic chair.

Dagnaggit! Fuck the book “Courtesy For Boys and Girls!”

I justified my resolve to sit in the chair by surmising he was around my age and had just not taken very good care of himself….alcohol and drugs will do that to you.

After five minutes of explaining to an older gentleman that I most certainly was not jumping the queue and was indeed at my rightful place in line and when I thought all hope was lost the old woman with the red scarf came and saved my life, she had stepped away and was back and remembered that I was right behind her. Thank God for not afflicting her with Alzheimer’s or any of those memory loss diseases that old people are wont to get. I flashed her a smile of gratitude….underneath my face mask.

After my shot I went to finally look for proper food – waakye! And then it was off to buy a black and white shirt for a funeral of an Octogenarian in Kumasi, the next day.

People say the 2nd shot does a number on you. Not me! I was like superman miles away from Kryptonite. I did all the rounds a person could do in a day especially with my resolve to not step in the office. In my opinion, there are some days where one is entitled to do this – Weekends, holidays, election day, the day after election and the day you take your covid shot.

I went to bed at 10pm because I had a plane to catch at 6.40 am the next morning.

I jumped out of bed at 5.30am. How did I miss my 4:45am alarm!?

So for the second time in two days, I did that 5 minutes express bath and sped to the airport in a record time that would have made Hamilton envious. Or perhaps Verstappen. He did win Monaco this weekend. I got in 5 minutes after check-in was closed and none of my charm worked on those AWA cretins. I was denied boarding and was on standby for the 8am and then 9am flights. It dawned on me that perhaps Kumasi was not in the cards this weekend. I went home super tired. Seemed like the 2nd shot was in fact doing a number on me.

And how was your weekend?

10 Tips during this Lockdown

~ Cunning Linguist ~ 1 Comment

So, when the old man announced a partial lockdown on 27th March 2020, I knew it was going to be an issue. At least a week before the partial lockdown social media was ablaze with proponents of a “full lockdown” and those who argued that a full lockdown was impossible and unfair. Those in favour of a partial lockdown argue, with good reason, that the majority who live from hand to mouth would be adversely affected by a full restriction on movement.

The lockdown has been extended by a week with many people getting more and more restless whilst others are happy for this extended office holiday depending on their work schedule.

 As we spend almost three weeks in lockdown and possibly a few more, here are some tips to my “f(r)iends out there:

  1. LIFE AS A HOUSE

A lot of people stockpiled food and other essentials for the uncertain times ahead. Unfortunately bulk food and being idle can be a disastrous combo, especially with little physical activity. Please guys, the directive was to be in the house.  Do not turn into the house.

Yes, some wicked vendors are organizing pizza and other junk food at the cheapest prices ever, with promotions and free delivery…But be strong!

  1. CHARIOTS OF FIRE

On the flip side, there are a whole bunch of normally inactive people who suddenly want to hit the road and do 5ks daily. Abeg, professional athletes all around the world are chilling at home, the Olympic sef have been postponed. Relax do not be a covidiot. Tell you what. Close your eyes…and dream of running.

  1. MONEY HEIST

Some are determined to watch the entire catalog of shows on Netflix during this time. Yes, do watch all your favorite shows but after Auntie Coro kicks the bucket life will go on.

So come out of this with other skills instead of knowing all the characters in Money Heist. Those guys robbed a bank and have cash. Do you have a stash somewhere?

  1. CELLULAR

Please do call even though three weeks is not forever. However, I do not need to see you on video every time we are on the phone. I still remember how you look like (I see your airbrushed face on your DP). The incessant video calls are getting creepy….especially those from my boss!

  1. THE CHALLENGE

I see people doing fun challenges and I watch, and I like. If you do not have any fun challenge to do, do not be pressured. Be like me. Watch and like…Not all of us have talents.

  1. UNFRIENDED

Please and thank you.  This one is important! 5G has nothing to do with Covid-19. The fact that it is coming from a developmentally challenged pastor who could predict everything but could not see Auntie Coro’s visit in 2020 does not make it more credible. I will block you one time if you send me such nonsense.

  1. 12 YEARS A SLAVE
slave ship to the Americas

For those of you also saying Africans are immune. Um, no we are not. We are not that special. lf we were, some of us would not have been shipped like sardines years ago and others left behind but still suffering in Africa. Before Auntie Coro came to town we were queueing at every embassy to run away since the slave ships do not take us anymore. I heard of some of you that even took your passports to church to have your lying pastors “pray visa” onto it. Just follow the directives….stay at home and hopefully in Ghana after this mess.

  1. THE BIG BOSS

After Auntie Coro leaves town, many bosses will start wondering who to axe and who is indeed essential. This situation has hit businesses hard. For those fortunate enough to work at home, have a good turnaround time with your deadlines, attend zoom meetings on time and be creative under the circumstances. Also,pick work calls (even from that annoying boss). These actions might save your job in the near future.

  1. THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

Enough with the unnecessary props to teachers.  When I pay for takeout fried rice, I expect exactly that: fried rice. Not rice water. If you are teaching your kids and they are not getting it, thank God, you found out early……. the teachers could not get it right either and guess what? You were paying them all this time for nothing. You are doing a good job teaching them at home and they will be all the better for it.

  1. TRAINING DAY

Despite my jab at the overzealous wannabe athletes, we really do need to keep fit. Please do a few sit ups, jumping jacks, skipping rope etc every day if you can. You really want to stay healthy throughout all this.  You do not want to run away from Auntie Coro and develop other conditions due to inactivity.

KEEP SAFE AND STAY HOME

CORONA VIRUS

~ Cunning Linguist

Coronavirus – This word is here to stay for the foreseeable future and has woken many Ghanaians from their slumber, including myself. After a couple of years of not blogging, this situation actually got me to put out a new post. SARS-COV-2 and the disease it causes – covid-19, is in Ghana!

It is a pandemic. And that should have clued us in that it was just a matter of time before  Auntie Corona came a-knocking in Ghana. About a week before the first case arrived in Ghana, (and I have heard people chirp merrily away that the cases so far have been imported…do we even make anything here?) we were happily discussing the National Cathedral – That monumental monstrosity to be built, that will save us all like Noah’s ark.

Let us look at some of the countries worldwide that have been hit with the covid-19 outbreak.

China – We have been bombarded with images and videos showing Chinese people eating live animals and Ghanaians are quick to call them dirty. Not sure if we should be the ones pointing fingers when it comes to being dirty.

Unhygienic conditions
often seen in the capital

Italy – they have an older population that is apparently more prone to the virus with tight-knit family units. In many many Ghanaian households, there are generations of family members staying under one small roof. I can only hazard a guess on what could happen in areas like Madina, Nima and Ashaiman where family members and non family members  are stacked on top of each other in congested living conditions.

South Korea – I imagine a combination of their close proximity to China and the numerous religious zealots residing there must have been the greatest catalyst for the spread of the virus. 

Fortunately, Korea seems to have a handle on the outbreak and the rest of the world can learn a thing or two from them.

Ghana has all the prevailing combo of filth, overcrowding and religious fanatics to make the situation a tinder box waiting for a match to explode. In each country where covid-19 struck, it proliferated rapidly without detection and herein lies my greatest fear about this pandemic. 

I am glad the Ghanaian President put the measures he did in place. Better late than never, I say. I only wish he had been more visionary a leader and tried to get ahead of the situation by announcing those measures before the 1st case was even reported.

What were the measures put in place, you ask ? 

1. SOCIAL DISTANCING AT BUSINESSES & OTHER WORKPLACES BETWEEN PATRONS & STAFF

In my humble opinion, It would have been very helpful to explain to the average Ghanaian what social distancing meant exactly. At a time like this we should not just throw out never-heard-before terms and expect people to know exactly what they meant. 

2. THE MINISTRY OF TRANSPORT SHOULD WORK WITH THE TRANSPORT UNIONS AND PRIVATE AND PUBLIC OPERATORS TO ENSURE ENHANCED HYGIENIC CONDITIONS IN ALL VEHICLES AND TERMINALS BY PROVIDING AMONGST OTHERS, HAND SANITIZERS, RUNNING WATER AND SOAP FOR WASHING HANDS

I don’t want to sound overly critical but the implementation here is key. Running water is not a thing we see at these terminals and sadly when covid-19 hit, poor infrastructures were greatly exposed. I did see Veronica buckets at some stations a few days later but from the way they were being used I would certainly put social distancing between myself and those buckets.

3. TRACING (IDENTIFYING PERSONS WHO HAVE COME INTO CONTACT WITH INFECTED PERSONS)

Tracing comes at a high human and economic cost. How thorough these tracings are done can change the game in how  the virus spreads. One of the 7 reported cases of Covid-19 (at the time of writing this article) was a University student at Legon. Having studied at University of Ghana Legon, I know how crowded these lecture halls can get, then there are the roommates and hall mates, the restaurants, canteens, night market and many other places a student can visit in a day or two. The tracing here is very key because the virus may take an average of a week before symptoms start to show. Knowing how things are done here I shudder when I think of the most likely limited personnel tasked to do the job with possibly limited vehicles to move around.That is if there are vehicles. And fuel.

4. PERSONAL HYGIENE

Observing personal hygiene is not taught overnight. Just take a look at some of our surroundings, the filth and the  people who live in said filth,I think one has to be incredibly pessimistic that the President’s announcement will act like a magic wand and teach anyone who does not practice personal hygiene, hygiene 101. I was not surprised the day after the President’s announcement to see many hawkers wearing masks and gloves, all the while still practicing their normal unhygienic habits. But, hey they have gloves and masks, so it should be fine, right?

5. All PUBLIC GATHERINGS, INCLUDING CONFERENCES, WORKSHOPS, FUNERALS, FESTIVALS, POLITICAL RALLIES, SPORTING EVENTS AND RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES, SUCH AS SERVICES  IN CHURCHES AND MOSQUES, HAVE BEEN SUSPENDED FOR THE NEXT (4) WEEKS.PRIVATE BURIALS ARE PERMITTED, BUT WITH LIMITED NUMBERS NOT EXCEEDING TWENTY-FIVE (25) IN ATTENDANCE

Interestingly enough this was announced Sunday evening at 10pm by the President after a weekend of church activities, funerals and sporting events.

The president and his wife at church on the day he addressed the nation concerning preventive measures to stay safe.

So we  inadvertently lost a whole weekend here to prevent the spread. Nonetheless, this is a great measure and not overly drastic. I have already heard many religious buffoons in Ghana claim they can cure the Covid-19. Good luck to them and their gullible members who are still congregating together to pray the virus away, despite the suggestion not to gather. 

People, please pray over Skype or the phone but do not get together in person. I know people would postpone weddings and funerals because a lot of them, including the church want the numbers and the monies that come with that to these occasions.

IN THE END WE CAN STILL USE PRAYERS. WE NEED THEM

I have always been amused when it comes to soccer games and Ghanaians pray for victory. People with poor mathematical skills spend hours doing permutations and combinations of how we would qualify to another round or stage during football games, when it’s obvious we played badly, were inadequately prepared and should be out of the competition. This is a time to follow the measures by our President and not to think we are special. Countries with way superior health facilities are running out of ventilators. It would be catastrophic if we have even a 100 cases here. We pray there will be no recorded deaths here and the virus will be curbed by the sheer will and commitment of the average Ghanaian to protect themselves and their neighbor. God bless Ghana!